This was a good weekend. The kind where you breathe.
Going into the weekend I felt desperate to carve out a chunk of time to process all that’s been going on. I swear, March left me on the verge of crazy. Then April, when we got the news. Entering into May- I knew it was not a convenient time for anyone if I had a personal breakdown as spring is always a very busy time at work. So now, many weeks after the fact, I knew I needed to take some time -more than just a weekend or an evening after work – to process, and I guess, to grieve.
It’s strange, we’ve been processing so many different things for 3 ½ years…caught between grief and hope. I find myself in this very odd unknown place. There is closure for sure, something never had before. There is still grief and sadness, but it’s so different from even two months ago- when there was still the possibility of having more kids. This weekend I found myself acutely aware of making THIS LIFE the best it can be. To a certain degree I guess I always had that perspective. Maybe it’s experiencing pregnancy loss that made me that way-always wanting to be in the moment with Jonah. Feeling freedom to let the laundry pile get bigger and bigger while I’m out front picking dandelions with him. Then again, it might just be my nature. One of the special things that God put there while He was creating me. Either way, that’s what we’ve been doing this long weekend-letting it be good, very good.
It’s been filled with luxurious experiences that are dear to my heart. Good food, conversations that matter, comfortable people, books, baking, painting, playing…
It seemed that the weekend was full of time – that it was made for Jonah and I (Joel was in the wilderness, backpacking with friends) to just be, and do the things we like hour after hour. We had lunch with a friend of mine from college who I hadn’t seen in way too long. I used up the last of the blueberries we picked last summer by making my favorite scones. We read books on the hammock. I worked on this dresser I’m painting, and it is turning out BETTER than I expected. I gardened off and on throughout the whole weekend. We went to the park many times with many friends. And then, after Jonah was in bed, I watched maybe the best and the stupidest movies in the history of chickflicks – Roman Holiday (best) and Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion (worst, but come on, you know you love it!)
On Sunday I took a cooking class with a dear friend in a cool grocery store in Minneapolis that sells locally produced goods. The chef made risotto, which coincidentally is a recent addition to my Bucket List, and I am convinced I will be making it in the very near future. It was…satisfying on a soul level.
The point is not to talk about all the awesomeness that I had this weekend, only to say that it has taken me by surprise. I guess I thought there would be the standard “I’m only functioning because I have to” response that has been under the surface for the last 3 years. But no, what I found instead is rich and has depth. It’s like freedom. And though there IS grief and awareness, I am wondering if a part of me is settling in to this reality, and I am seeing that it just might be okay.
In regards to our circumstances, I want to be left standing, saying “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7)
By the way, here’s the recipe for the scones! My suggestion is to eat them outside, with a good book and a cup of coffee…