So this just happened…
You know how in Saturday night’s post I mentioned something about wanting to get Jonah involved in The Caroline Project, but not really knowing how? How he knows nothing about the infertility?
The three of us are in the basement tonight, playing with Legos, and completely out of the blue, Jonah says, “So what’s this Caroline Project about, anyway?” Seriously, that’s what he said. I looked at Joel. Joel looked at me. I hunched my shoulders and said “Well…I guess we’re doing this. I’ll be right back.” And I went and got our notebook, the one we’ve been tracking our spending in. And then we told him. Everything. (Well, the five-year old version of everything, anyway).
We told him that mommy and daddy aren’t going to be able to have any more kids. And that we’re really sad about that because we LOVE being a mommy and daddy. And then I showed him the book. We explained that we’re sad, but helping other people makes us feel better. That if we had a daughter, we would have named her Caroline. That each time we spend money on him, we write it down and at the end of the month we give it to people who need it instead of giving it to Caroline. And that makes us feel good inside.
And then we explained that we want him to help us choose the people who we share our money with. We showed him the website of the place in Haiti we want to give money to at the end of June. This place helps mommies and daddies learn how to be good mommies and daddies so their babies can grow big and strong, we told him.
That was it. So many years of protecting him from all of it and it was over in about 5 minutes…and my heart was so sad. Like it is really real all over again.
Then this happened:
I went out to the hammock and I cried. I read my Bible. I got eaten by mosquitoes. A half an hour later 2 friends texted me within 8 minutes of each other. Out of the blue they told me things about how much they are better people for knowing me, how I am a ray of sunshine, that they love me so much. And it wasn’t them talking to me, it was Jesus. Telling me that He sees me. That He cares. And there is so much comfort in that, even though in this moment, my heart is heavy. So thank you, dear friends, for listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I really needed to hear it.