Choices.

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First let me start by telling you that we have always, since the very  first miscarriage, been totally open to whatever it is that God wants to do in our lives.  Still today, we ultimately want our family to look how God wants it to look.  Even as we have processed what we WANT it to look like versus what it ACTUALLY looks like, we always land on this deep desire to have it look the way He wants it to.  Attaining this mindset does not come in a pretty package, I’ll tell you that much.  There are times that it has been a wrestling match with God.  It is messy and gritty, and honest, and beautiful.

Our options are as follows:

Invitro Fertilization:  This is a path we could choose and may have success with.  Our insurance would even cover part of it.  But, here’s the thing:  for many reasons (all of which I’ll likely write about at some point) we’ve had the most crazy 3 and a half years.  Plus, we’ve had 3 previous miscarriages.  3.  At this time, I’m just not ready to enter into the complicated world of invitro, especially with the past pregnancy losses.

Reconstructive Surgery:  This was what we hoped would be the route we’d take.  Joel could have a reconstructive surgery to repair the damage.  If our insurance covered this, we’d totally do this.  But it doesn’t.  The $8000 bill makes us hesitant to pursue this.  When you’ve had 3 previous pregnancy losses, it’s hard to wrap your brain around spending $8000 on another chance.

Adoption:  Actually, before we even had one miscarriage we did look into adoption.  We didn’t get the sense that God was guiding us that direction.  As it stands now, Joel is 3 years into his 5 year PhD program.  We’ve taken out a hefty loan for his degree and we are so, extremely hesitant to take out another huge loan to adopt.  (I’m sure someday I’ll explain our views on finances and living debt free).  I  believe 100% that God can fund adoptions in ways that people could not even imagine, which is what He’d have to do for us.  In a nut shell, our view towards adoption is that if God wants us to adopt, then He’ll have to make it very clear to us.

These are the main options, and the three we get the most questions on.  But here’s the choice leaning toward:

Having only one child:  If you have never had to deal with pregnancy loss and/or infertility, than you may not fully understand the occurrence of hope, followed by a crushing blow.  Because we have had both pregnancy loss AND infertility, we know this concept too well.  In order to get out of bed and do each day, we have to move on as if this is how our lives are going to look:  just Jonah.

The following is from an email I sent out to a group of fabulous women who I had asked to pray for us during the 8 months in which we were trying to get pregnant.  It was written 3 days after we found out  that we weren’t going to be able to conceive another baby…I included it this blog post because…I’m not sure exactly why.  Maybe because it is the most honest and vulnerable thing I’ve ever written.  Maybe because it describes so perfectly what we were feeling when we found out that that the above options were our only options.

“We are…barely functioning.  We are wasting time until we feel better.  I’m not kidding.  We are simply wasting time away, working, sleeping, taking solace in playing with Jonah, I’m watching a lot of Gilmore Girls, etc.  This morning I woke up and it was nice to have a weekend in between us and stupid last week.

Last week was really bad… “Hang on to simple truths” I was told by a dear friend on Thursday…I have a son…I have eternal salvation…I’m surrounded by people who love me…those were my simple truths last week.  On Saturday I read a post on one of my favorite blogs (www.aholyexperience.com) and then added these tasks to my “simple truths list”:  Just keep the focus simply on Christ, Walk forward, Keep company with Christ, Love always, Bend low.  Today, this is my song:

“Jesus draw me ever nearer As I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage, and I’ll follow, though I’m worn.

May this journey bring a blessing, May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart’s testing, With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest; Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning, Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial; Form within me as I go –
And at the end of this long passage, Let me leave them at Your throne.”

Joel and I are taking this time to process the information we received last week.  We are not trying to move forward to quickly.  We are not planning on doing any of the above options at this time, but are ruling nothing out for the future.  However, it is likely that in the next couple of weeks, once we have chewed on this for a while, we will try to move forward thinking that Jonah will be our only child.  If the Lord speaks into our hearts that He would like us to pursue other options then that is surely what we will do.

I would like to take a moment to thank you so very much for your love.  And to tell you a little about how you can show us your love during this time:

  • Please feel free to tell me how much you love us, and how you so badly wanted things to be different for us.
  • Please feel free to remind us how much the Lord loves us, and how He is Emmanuel, God with us.
  • Please do not remind us that “you never know what God can do…”  I get it.  I believe it.  I know your motives aren’t bad, it’s just that if we have to move on with Jonah being our only child, then that is the way our brain needs to think.  As stated before, we are certainly up for God to do whatever He wants…
  • Please try to refrain from reminding us of what we DO have.  I am aware of what we have with every single kiss I get from my son.  When he sits on my lap, his sheer weight has made me weep with gratitude.  The sound of he and Joel building a lego city in the background as I type this email are so very precious to me…  Insomnia has become a fairly regular occurrence.  One night last week at 2:00 in the morning, after reading for hours, I crawled up the ladder into Jonah’s lofted bed.  It was only there that I could get a few hours of sleep.  I had to be next to him…I had to be next to the thing that God DID.
  • Please, pray for wisdom for this family
  • Please pray for protection, unity, calm.

I appreciate you so very much.  I’m sad, you guys…I’m just so very sad…”

2 months have passed since I typed these words.  As happens with grief, it ebbs and flows.  Though I still have sadness in my heart over our reality, that sadness has settled to the ground of my heart, only to be stirred up once in a while.  Once the chaos of sadness settled, I discovered that there is an overlaying peace in my heart.  Peace that no “option” is the correct one, but that what we are to do is simply take one day at a time, trusting in God to walk with us and guide us.  So THAT is what we’re doing.  It is surrender and it is beautiful.

 black and white- jonah and mom

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