I feel there is much to say, and yet, in reality, there is very little to be said. Few people know that we had been conversing with a lawyer to determine if there was any action that we needed to take in regards to outcome of Joel’s surgery. Obviously, that was not something I could blog about. Yesterday it was confirmed that there is not enough evidence to pursue a malpractice suit. I had, to a certain degree, always known this was what the lawyer would tell us. I’ve just known all along that THIS is the journey we’re supposed to be on. For whatever reason, we’re supposed to have a permanent and disappointing diagnosis, and not be able to say why. (I can get more into theology later…I but the gist is that I have never once believed that “God DID this to us”…On the flip side, I have always known that God sees us in this place. He allowed this to happen He very easily could have stopped this from happening, but for some reason, He didn’t. All I am supposed to do is stand here, loving Him in the midst of my pain, and move in the direction He says, when He says.)
Yesterday was a hard day. Just having someone confirm that we will not ever be able to find out why and when this happened was harder than I thought. I have not been used to having hard days since we’ve gotten Joel’s official diagnosis. They used to come so regularly, but have been few and far between since May. But, ugh, you guys…there is such pain in permanent…I don’t know how to describe it. Though there are good things about the black and whiteness of it all I mean, we KNOW, for a FACT, that Joel will never be able to conceive a child (unless, of course we do one of these). This is not a low sperm count thing…this is a no sperm count thing…so, in a way, I’m glad it’s so black and white…One of the hard things for so many people experiencing infertility, is that there is hope that they could get pregnant. Month after month…and the hope gets smaller with each month that goes by. We’re not like that. And parts of me are thankful. But other parts of me know that what happened is so pointless, and so crazy. And it’s hard to know how to proceed.
Luckily I have dear friends who remind me that it is okay, even right, that we just stand here…when there’s so much pressure put on us to move in certain directions, we have people say “no- just be…right where you are.” These people bring forth words from places like Habakkuk 3:18 – 19: “YET I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet as surefooted as a deer and will bring me safely over the mountain.” So to you who support us in these ways, who are not afraid to enter into the mess with us – thank you.
Caroline Project: I do not think it is a coincidence that we found out this hard-to-take news when we did. I LOVE that we heard it on Friday and the following Saturday and Sunday is the date we have chosen to do our biggest, look ‘em in the eye Caroline Project yet. Here’s the scoop: July was a HUGE month of money spent on Jonah. It was his birthday month as well as 2 different family vacations. So, as you can imagine, it added up! We have the biggest amount to put towards the Caroline Project we’ve ever had. You know I don’t usually talk about how much money we donate, but this month’s astronomical amount just has to be shared: $250. I mean WOWZA! That is a HUGE amount of money, at least for this family. We wanted to do something HUGE- And we wanted to do it…to be the ones putting foot to pavement. So, in two hours we’re going into town, and getting the supplies for care bags (for an example, click here):
And then… (holy crap) tomorrow, we’re going to give them away to homeless people. We don’t even have any real plans aside from drive into the city, park somewhere, walk around and give away stuff. I am equally terrified and excited.
I get so tempted to think of myself and this overwhelming, crappy thing that happened to us. The structure of the Caroline Project forces me to look outside of myself. Honestly, if I wasn’t blogging about it, I think I’d quit. I mean, do I WANT to give my money away all the time? Heck no. Believe me- we’ve got financial goals we are striving to meet. There are things we want to buy. We could (and maybe should) be taking our money and saving up for reparative surgery, or IVF, or adoption… But I know that the reason we are doing this right now is because otherwise we’d be so focused on our circumstances that our circumstances would swallow us up. I am seeing that this blog, though in part is meant to inspire us all, is actually meant to serve as something to keep Joel and I accountable to giving when we want to be taking, to be looking at others when all that is within us wants to be looking at ourselves. I so appreciate you, reader, for taking the time out of your day to read my words. But I know that, today especially, I write for me.