Beautiful: I’ve got this husband who is the best man I’ve ever known and this kid whom I adore. I mean it, I’m just totally crazy about him. I’ve got this sustaining, connected relationship with Jesus. I’m part of a church that is made up of people who are all broken and are being restored. I’ve got a family that I genuinely like…on BOTH sides. I’ve got this group of girlfriends that just get me and even when they don’t get me, they support me. I work at this really cool place where I am surrounded by college kids who love the Lord. I want to make the least amount of impact on the planet that I can. I enjoy making ugly furniture pretty by painting it. I love listening to the banjo, watching Gilmore Girls, gardening, and cooking from scratch. All of which I plan to write about on this blog.
Mess: The day my son turned 2, we had our first miscarriage. That year we had a total of 3 miscarriages. Since that time we’ve been walking this really crazy, very messy journey of “infertility”. I use quotation marks because, though there are certain things about our journey that are standard infertility things (the time, the anticipation, the pain, the “I’m going to go crazy” part), there are definitely things that are totally not the norm. Mainly one big thing: After the miscarriages, in 2010, my husband had a procedure that resulted in an accidental vasectomy, which we were not aware of until about three weeks ago. After 6 months of trying to conceive, our worst fears have been confirmed… So here we are, broken and not able to conceive any more children.
Even as my fingers are typing these words, it is as if I am writing about someone else’s life. Certainly not my own…
We are this tiny, connected family…living in the midst of great loss. And yet, there is beauty. Jesus is here. He’s carrying us. Sustaining us. Helping us to function each day. We are surrounded by praying people and many times they have told us that when they are praying for us, they get the sense that this is not the end of our story…so here I am. Writing and anticipating. This is our beautiful mess.