An 8pm bedtime…

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It happens every so often that Joel and I will be going along nicely, and then WHAM- something knocks us right over and it’s like we’re reminded of the heartache of our circumstances all over again.   Joel had another doctor appointment yesterday; to talk about some chronic pain he’s been having.  At this appointment, he received no new news.  Just confirmation regarding previous information.  Oh, but what was confirmed again just sucks…no kids, no reason, pain in our hearts and in his body.  It left us weeping all over again.

I’m just so sad.  My reaction is to take action.  Because it would be easier.  I want to adopt or do IVF or commit to having only one child.  I’m mad that we have no clear direction to go- none.  And I’m mad that these are the cards we’re dealt.  It seems so very unjust.

Why is taking action my gut reaction to disappointing blows?  I hate the obvious answers:  because I want to have control of a seemingly pointless situation.  Because I want to know what is going to happen.  Because I want this to make sense…I want it to be happening for a reason.  Because I am just tired and I want it to be over.  Because I want it to get easier.

It’s that moment where you believe with everything you are that God knows all about your situation,  and there is a wrestling match about that.  Because you also know that He could have made it different, but didn’t.  Last year, when we were still trying to find out the facts about our infertility (such an overwhelming and gritty time for me) I came across a quote from Ann Voskamp that was equally painfully confusing and so very comforting:  “Nothing comes into my life unless its filtered through God’s loving fingers.”

We can only land on this:  We don’t know what is going to happen.  We don’t know why this is happening.  But we know that God sees us. He is Emmanuel still…God with us.  We trust that He will show us what the next step is, just as He has done so many times before.  And we truly believe that being here, in this active-still place, and giving of ourselves, is the action we are to take in this moment.

And when my circumstances overwhelm me from out of the blue, and I find myself in a place where I cannot reason this out, I have one tried and true method.  Are you ready?  It might be the most profound thing you’ve heard all day:  I go to bed.  Everything looks better when you’ve had some rest.  Last night was an 8pm bedtime…

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2 thoughts on “An 8pm bedtime…

  1. Jackie Cordon

    I wish I could fix this for you. I remember the pain and the uncertainty and the desire to know WHY! I don’t known if it’s easier when you know why or not because we never got there either. I did get to a place where I begged God to take the desire from me for a successful pregnancy. And one day I suddenly realized that I felt no jealousy or envy when a friend announced her pregnancy and no pang in my heart when I held a friend’s infant. Instead I felt joy.

    I don’t know if that’s the way it will be for you. Just what happened to me.

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