We have been pretty silent on this blog for a while. We mean to write, but we are in this wonderful, beautiful, crazy, hard, living life to the fullest, being challenged and changed in ways we can’t fully explain type of season. We have had great adventures as a family as we have experienced Jesus in this life affirming way and hopefully we will tell you more about that soon.
This post is a small, but powerful taste of what God has been resurrecting in my life lately I have been meaning to write for a couple of months now. I keep planning to and then… It is about one of the most meaningful experiences that I have ever had with Jesus. I mean, we are talking about a “drill down to the core of your heart and speak to the wounded, scared child” kind of experience. We are talking about a dousing of so much love and affirmation that I know I will never doubt Him again.
You may know from previous posts that I meet regularly with a counselor, which as Anna will agree with me, is one of the more raw and life-giving experiences you will ever experience. Of course, they have to be a good one who is plugged into the Holy Spirit. Kraig is totally plugged in fully to the Spirit and it is always like stepping into the thrown room of God when I meet with him. Kraig is able to reveal things that I have hidden for so long, is able to speak directly to my core wounds and my core desires in a way he shouldn’t be able to on his own.
I am telling you, people, counseling is where it is at. If you are not partaking then you are really missing out on something that is one of the best things you could do for you and for your loved ones. Don’t tell me that you don’t have problems, don’t tell me that you are ok, don’t tell me that you don’t need help… We live in a broken world, friends. That brokenness includes us and our experiences no matter how good they were. Redemption and resurrection comes through the work of the Spirit through others in our lives. Who better to walk with us than trained professional guides??? Ok. Ok. I am done with this speech.
Now for what I am really writing about. Earlier I had wrote to you about some of my core wounds that came at the hands of others which caused me to build some strongholds of shame in my heart that have plagued me all my life. If you didn’t read The Kingdoms I have Built , then I would encourage you to read it first to give some context to this post.
In one of my recent appointments with Kraig, the purpose was to spend time in prayer by praying through these core statements of shame and walking through forgiveness from who the statements came from. This experience was to help me find some freedom from the bondage to these lies that I had accepted as true about myself. We spent time doing that together. As I thought we were finishing we were really only beginning. Kraig continued by asking me what I could see in my mind as he led me through a straight up encounter with the Holy Spirit. Now I have never before experienced what I am about to tell you. In fact right after it happened I questioned it in my mind but God has continued to confirm it for me time and time again.
What happened in the sacred, holy ground of my counselor’s office was in my mind a vision as no other descriptor seems to fit. What follows is an account of that vision. Although, as you will see I am no artist, Kraig had me draw pictures of what I have experienced and received from God. I have decided to include them in this post, not that they are worth showing off! But I do believe the pictures help tell the story I am sharing with you. A story that is both deeply meaningful and the most vulnerable thing I have ever shared. This is how it started…
Kraig started by asking where I was…
I was walking into the front door of Leipsic High School where I grew up. I entered the main hallway and the whole school was empty and dark.
Kraig asked for Jesus to step into the picture…
I felt Jesus’s presence join me there. I was first enveloped in light, bright and warm light. Next I found myself being washed over with waves. The light and waves radiated out through every hall in the school.
Kraig asked me what the waves and light were…
They were affection, love, acceptance, belonging. Then I saw Him… He was pure light but more important and striking to me were His hands
I could see the nail scarred hands…
He gathered me up into His arms and we sat in the middle of the school on the floor of the hallway and He held me there. I was completely enamored with His hands… I could see the holes. He covered me with His whole body.
Then the scene changed…
We were still in the hallway but Jesus was carrying His cross and I was following Him. There were people in the hallway and they were viciously assaulting Him. Hurling attack after attack. He seemed so sad, not because of the rejection but for the people themselves.
Then it changed again…
He had his left arm around me, holding me as we walked the halls. The people turned into my high school classmates. They were insulting me and pouring out rejection onto me. Jesus held me tighter shielding me from the onslaught of their hateful words with His right arm extending a nail scarred palm up to block the attackers. I focused on the hole the nail left forgetting the attacks. But the attacks grew louder and more intense, hate filled that hallway. He stepped in front of me, putting his body between me and my accusers.
The attacks again grew and the words turned into physical arrows being flung at me. Jesus turned and shielded me taking the arrows meant for me as they pierced His body. I could see the arrows extending from wounds in His body. He continued to cover me taking on the rejection meant for me and the wounds that should have been bore by my body.
The scene changed again..
Jesus was hanging on the cross. I stood before him. I had a heavy backpack on filled with rocks of the lies that I had accepted about myself. Rocks that had burdened me for most of my life. I removed it and hung it on Jesus on the the cross. It was time for me to do so even though I could see that it was painful for Him. It was hard for me to add to the already overwhelming burden He was experiencing but He accepted it gladly.
Then it was finished…
I stood in the hallway feeling released and free. I felt fearless knowing that there was nothing more to fear. I didn’t need to be afraid.
Then I was clothed in white pants and a white shirt that was illuminatingly the brightest light I have ever seen. Light poured from my body. I placed my arms out and light erupted from my finger tips out to the whole school. That was the end, me standing in the most freedom I have ever experienced in the place I have feared the most in my life.
Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This is life. This is freedom. This is my Jesus.